Rejecting the insistent presence of our inner critic, showing ourselves compassion and finding freedom in authenticity.
Drawn to writing as a cathartic outlet, I laid my thoughts on paper as a mode of processing and understanding my experience. Reviewing trailblazers who paved the path before me, ‘write what you know’ seemed to be the consensus. So, in my first article, I wrote what I knew. It was open and raw and brought light to truths I’d kept hidden within. It was my ode to vulnerability. An act of devotion to relinquishing myself from the confines of shame and finding freedom in truth.
Before sharing my story on the vast stage of the internet, I shared the manuscript with my inner circle of comfort. The people who see the good, the ugly, the somewhere in between and love me regardless. My personal cheerleaders, who revel in my success and hold my hand through turbulent times. Those willing to ride the spectrum of sanity by my side and bring snacks for the journey. We must show sincere gratitude for the people who reframe our neuroticisms as endearing and cringe-worthy mishaps as character-building. These revered people are also on hand to hold up the mirror, revealing harsh truths when we lose our way and demand better of us. That is love. If you don’t have these people in your corner, go find them. Be that person for others. You’ll find your tribe soon enough.
So, with my inner circle propping me up, I pressed publish. My revealing words were out there, exposed like never before. Strangers somehow seemed less daunting. Favouring the opportunity for connection, I felt prepared to handle judgment from people I didn’t know. What a beautiful gift to connect with readers from different walks of life. People, who just like me, have their own stories and own pain. People who, just like me, are moving through life, one step in front of the other. Suffering is part of the shared human experience; by opening a dialogue around our pain, we diminish the stigma and forge opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.
The prospect of peer review was the real test of my willingness to open up to vulnerability. Sharing my story with those I knew only at arm’s length took painstaking determination for the cause. People know me for the identity I have cultivated and carefully presented. Old connections may question my authenticity, as I present incongruently with a past projection of myself. Distant acquaintances who may smirk, pity or roll their eyes elicited a gut-wrenching recoil and sent an impulse to withdraw and hide.
We all have an innate desire to belong and be accepted by those around us. We want to feel part of something larger than ourselves. We want to be seen for who we are, but to do that, we must allow ourselves to be seen. When we open our full selves, we expose our vulnerabilities and consequently run the risk of personal rejection.
We want to be loved for who we are, but to achieve this, we must allow ourselves to be seen.
Courage presents differently to each of us but I know, for me, overcoming the fear of rejection is growth. Time and time again, when I feel myself cowering away from judgment, or even worse, rejection, I come back to the following speech:
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”
—Theodore Roosevelt
For a long time, I feared the critic and lived in confinement. I prided myself on adaptability, seamlessly able to chameleon into different contexts with minimal disruption. I craved belonging but attempted to achieve it by fitting in. I now see the limitations of my strategic outputs. By moulding ourselves to fit with others, we cannot be seen or loved for who we are.
True belonging happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world – Brene Brown.
Living authentically permits us to be ourselves. When we stand in the arena, we expose ourselves to rejection but open up to love and acceptance. Presenting ourselves genuinely allows us to attract genuine connections back. We will fall short and fail at times; that’s for certain. We will not resonate with everyone or always fit in. When we get comfortable with ourselves, we can withstand uncomfortable reactions with more ease. The critic may be cruel, but when we trust ourselves and root our actions in integrity, we determine the standards of success. Doing the hard thing won’t always produce the anticipated result, but it will be so much more rewarding when it does. As someone who has chronically coasted in my comfort zone, I can confidently testify that getting a win by doing something hard will provide a sense of achievement you’ll never get taking the easy road.
You will always win if you only enter competitions where winning is up to you – Epictetus.
In the aftermath of my victory over the critic, I was once again infiltrated by feelings of panic, fear and insecurity. It was the perfect concoction of catastrophe. I was harshly reminded of the nonlinear direction of progress, and the expression ‘two steps forward, one step back’ sang in my periphery. I had survived the critique only to be hit with the brutalities of imposter syndrome. Noticing the discomfort, I came back to presence and listened to the voice inside:
You’ve been lucky to get such positive feedback on your writing. Enjoy it. That’s enough now. Quit while you’re ahead. You’ll never top it. If you write something else, it won’t be as good, and you’ll only disappoint people. If you keep writing, eventually, you’ll be outed as a fraud. You may be well-read, but your ideas are not original. Your experience is not profound, and your opinion is not valuable. You are, at best, a one-trick pony. Stay where you are; it’s safe here.
I had to laugh.
The harshest critic was me. Berating myself and planting seeds of doubt; I was trying to get myself out of the arena it had taken so long to enter.
Luckily, this time, I had done enough inner work to see the mind-altering quicksand for what it was. I had fallen face-first into the trap. I saw my inner monologue as a cry to keep me imprisoned in the safety and familiarity of the known. Our ego is strong and the voice in our head wants to keep us where we are – even if it’s limiting us. When our self-concept is rooted in the ego, our minds keep us in a fearful state to protect us from the loss of identity.
Only through conscious awareness, can we separate the Self from the mind and disidentify with our thoughts. Once we dissociate from the incessant chatter of our minds, we start to see things as they really are.
The mind can be a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. It uses you. This is the disease. You believe that you are your mind. This is the delusion. The instrument has taken you over. – Eckhart Tolle
As with most things, balance is key. If we identify with our thoughts and feelings as our true selves, our vision becomes blurred. Alternatively, if we bury our thoughts and feelings, we numb and dull. To find balance, we must lean into the depths of human experience but not let it consume us.
Progress is a marathon, not a sprint. For reference, endurance has never been my strong point, and I’ve always hated long-distance running. Whilst I am more comfortable with external judgment, my mind is still an obstacle that needs to be tamed.
Growth is going to be uncomfortable. Progress is change, and change is unfamiliar. When I was hit with the growing pains of change, I stumbled into doubt. Irrational thoughts brought panic, false narratives and created dis-ease within me. Only through self-awareness could I see these limiting beliefs and overcome imposter syndrome with compassion. Back to my values, I found comfort in the belief that what I’m doing is bringing me closer to truth and understanding. By rooting my sense of success internally and acting in alignment with my values, I can continue to find liberation from the limitations of the mind.
You cannot be anything at all, but you can be everything you are – Jay Shetty.
Despite prospects broadening in the modern era and advancements in standards of living, issues with disconnection and unfulfillment are consuming us with increasing prevalence. Only through being true to our authentic selves will we find the sense of belonging we crave so desperately. When we welcome life with vulnerability, we create the space to build meaningful connections. When we align with who we are, we open the passage to find purpose. Crawl out from hiding in the shadows and step into the arena. It will be uncomfortable, and you will fall down, but if you can embrace the journey and keep going, eventually, you’ll find your green lights.
Show up. Stand tall. Be seen.
There is greatness in everyone.
